I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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