Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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