I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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