she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
