ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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