maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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