I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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