I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize