I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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