my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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