I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
