half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
