you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
