I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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