this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
