fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
