I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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