The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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