You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
