Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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