God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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