Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
