Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
