My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
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Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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