see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
