i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
