I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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