Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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