apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
