I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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