I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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