I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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