I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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