I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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