My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
