this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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