At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
