Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
