I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
