The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
