haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
