i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
