Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
