im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
God, I missed his penis.
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