I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
