I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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