from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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