I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
