I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just puked most of my soul out..
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