I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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