I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
