this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
