he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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