At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
