I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she told me i tasted like america
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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