I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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