Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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