i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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