I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
